Ramblings Of A Madman

I'm in hell right now, that might sound overdramatic but that's the situation I've been in the past month. I'm in the middle of changing schools and it's super stressful. I've watched porn three times in the last two days. Which is something that I never do since nowadays I'm on NoFap. Whenever I watch porn, it's always because I feel like I'm lacking something. I either feel helpless, lonely or just a feeling that I'm going nowhere in life.

This year, I've been trying to become more creative and it has definitely worked. I've focused that creative energy on anime; with making reviews, blog posts, youtube videos, answering quora questions, editing a fandom page, etc. I've even attempted to draw and make a story, which both times I've failed miserably at. The thing is that I've enjoyed doing these things, but eventually I completely lose motivation and I quit. It's the same cycle: I get inspired, I work hard at it for a couple of weeks, I lose motivation and I stop. Every time. Speaking of anime, I like to watch it when I feel like my life is in order. Last month, I only finished 1 show. This month, I've watched around 3 shows, Psycho-Pass, Kill la kill and Berserk. Two of those I really like, one I think is okay.

I feel like right now there is no point for me to study because I'm changing school. I despise my school as well as my class. Most people are just unrelatable and two weeks ago, I only went to school twice that whole week. I'm also not engaged with my studies since I've improved my grades so rapidly. Now I feel like I've achieved my goal but now I don't have a new one, which has sapped out all of my motivation.

 For the past month, I've felt like there is almost no way out. I've cried 3 times this last month since I've felt so down. And I never cry except for when I'm consuming media. Except for movies, music, and anime, I may have cried twice in 2018 over real-life stuff. The worst part is that it feels like everyone around can just go with the flow but for some reason, I can't. I think though that person are better at hiding it than me,

I've lost motivation in almost everything. The gym, guitar, meeting friends, studying, etc. The worst part is that people have noticed this and they try to help with "Just do it", yes thank you so much for saying what I already know.

Which goes the same for all those self-help channels out there, their the WORST. Their so incestuous, they always give you the same advice, make the same "motivational" videos, etc. But my question is, what have THEY done? The answer is usually NOTHING. They just make these videos for a penny and THAT'S IT. All of these people like Improvement pill, Be Inspired, Fight mediocrity, Aaron doughty, etc. THERE ALL THE SAME! The only one who's content is interesting and y'know HELPFUL is Actualized.Org. I strongly recommend him.

But, I see that there is a light at the end of this dark and brutal tunnel. I will reach it and all of this will be over with.

I don't expect anyone to read this. This is just the ramblings of a madman because I feel like I'm actually going in that direction. To summarize; my life kind of sucks right now, but I'm trying my hardest to be better. Just doing this had made me feel better.

Ja nee.